one common woman

"You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream." C.S. Lewis

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Baby Blues

The title might be misleading, because I never really had the baby blues, before or after pregnancy.  Holding little ones never really make me long for “just one more”, and I was spared, mercifully, from that depression that plagues some women after child birth.

Rather, recently my youngest flew south all by herself to visit friends.  I did my parental duty before hand, encouraging her and reminding her that she was smart and level headed.  It might be the last opportunity she had to do this for a long time, with college and other life changes on the horizon.  My husband ran her down to Logan in the early morning hours and waved goodbye as she entered the terminal by herself, ready for her adventure.

I slept in.

I was looking forward to 10 days of  no running back and forth to lessons and to work.   (our children don’t get a license until 18)  There would be less cleaning up and fewer impromptu but suddenly urgent trips to Wal Mart, or Target or Hannaford.  I would blissfully engage in whatever activity I wanted, whenever I wanted.  And I did enjoy my week off, but you have probably already guessed how this story ends.  It ends with me, discovering that I miss running her around, that my dear husband makes more messes than I realized, and missing my Baby.  Not wishing her back, mind you, but just being reminded of the energy and vitality that leaves along with the person that carries it through life and missing all those little things that add up to being her.


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Reversal of Fortunes

I am working on reversing my fortunes.  Throughout much of my life I have struggled with negative thinking.  This mostly concerns myself, but has naturally overflowed into the way I have dealt with people and work situations.  I realized at a fairly young age that this was an issue and the began the process of letting go of the negative, but this is not an easy thing to abandon all at once.  Changes have come bit by bit for me, sometimes one negative thought at a time, and some victories have been long in coming.

Recently I was lying in bed grieving the mistakes I had made at my last job.  Understand that I loved my job as office administrator, and I worked hard to do things well for a rapidly expanding non-profit organization, but my negative thinking got the best of me some days.  This affected work relationships and decisions and three and a half years later I was till losing sleep over my shortcomings.

This particular night a long overdue light came on in my understanding.  I had done a lot of good work for that organization.  I adapted.  I grew.  I had done many things well and a few things not as well as I could have.  It was long past time to reject my negative thinking and embrace all that I had done well, and I committed myself to doing just that.

It was a victory that should have come about 3 years ago, but I am grateful for it, late as it may be.  I also know that my future is brighter because I refuse to let the past eat me up any more.


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A Love Story

This year, on New Year’s Day, as I was putting away the Christmas stuff, I was feeling a little sorry for myself.  Hubby was being particularly challenging.  He was not treating me well enough.  He had not been saying the right things about me in public.  He had not been romantic enough, he just did care enough about what I go through on those days when he takes our only car and spends 12 hours at his second job.  My mind was guiltily full of his shortcomings, and to beat it all, when all the ornaments were put away, I realized that unless I did Hubby’s part of the undecorating (is that a word?), our 7 and 1/2 foot,  3 piece, artificial Christmas tree was going to lay in a heap on the living room floor until who knows when, because Hubby was off working one of those 12 hour days and putting it away was his job.

Despite my self pity I decided to do Hubby a favor and put away the tree for him, and as I did so, I told myself that he would really love me for it.  And then, though it was not yet Epiphany, I had an epiphany.  Did I really believe that Hubby’s love for me was so shallow that he would love me more for putting a Christmas tree in a box?  Was my love for him really altered by those little things that I had allowed to eat at me all day?  Was I just a big fake with my talk of loving people unconditionally?   Did I love my husband unconditionally or not?  Did I love my children unconditionally or not?  On that day, these seemed like deeply challenging questions.

What is the moral of this story?  I decided, for that day, to accept my husband as he is.  I decided, for that day, to acknowledge that he would not love me more for putting away a Christmas tree, and I would not love him less for perceived misdeeds towards me.  I decided that I would offer him unconditional love until I forgot to do so, and had to be reminded again. I decided that this is one area of my life where I don’t really want to be common.